O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
