I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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