just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
