five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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