Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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