I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
