Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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