Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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