Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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