Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And then he peed in my hair
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
