my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
