if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I need moral support for this bender
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
