don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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