Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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