the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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