someone threw a dead crab at me
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
