Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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