he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Even my vagina gasped.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
