i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
