They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
