I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize