Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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