Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We're too hungover to prance.
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