Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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