It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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