shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Randomize
