in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
