dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
