look no pants
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
