I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
