I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
