dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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