Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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