the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
