everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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