and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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