this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
