Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She just used a chaser for red wine.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
