whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
