I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I party with great urgency now.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
