Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
