These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize