We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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