I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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