Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
