Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
