Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
