I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
