we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Damn victory sex feels great
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
