he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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