My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize