Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You were trust falling into bushes
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
