I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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