i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
