Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
