You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
