Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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